free jokes for yout to laugh

Thursday, June 22, 2006

If the Titanic was made in India

If the Titanic was made in India

1) There would be 10 times as many people on the ship

2) There would be a song with Kate Winslet in a white saree and of course singing in the rain

3) The movie would be called "Pyar Kiya To Marna Kya"

4) Hero and Heroine would float in cold water for days and still survive, but the villian would die in the first dip

5) The iceberg would be sent by the heroine's father to teach the hero a lesson

6) None of the women would float due to heavy designer sarees.

And last but not least

7) Half of the rescue boats would be reserve for SC/ST/OBC

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Sunday, June 18, 2006

Management lesson

Management lesson

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office…..but she belonged to someone else… One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said: I’ll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you….but the girl said NO. Johnny said I’ll be fast, I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I’ll be finished by the time you pick it up. She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend…..so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won’t even be able to get his pants down.

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened…… She said “The bastard used coins!!”

Management lesson:
‘Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!’

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Sunday, June 11, 2006

All are same

All are same
Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, “You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here.”

The astonished Chinese man replied, “It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese”. “Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you’re all the same,” replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, “You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship.”

Shocked, Spielberg replies, “It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.”

The Chinese replies, “Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you’re all the same.”
———-
This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition organized in Britain and this joke was sent by an Indian!

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Saturday, June 10, 2006

Adult jokes

Dentist didnt get erection on wedding night so he used finger. Wife: What's this?
Nothing honey, just a temporary filling.

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What's the diff between a bomb n a condom?
In a bomb blast population decreases & if a condom blasts population
increases.

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Which boy has the permission to get into a girls' bathroom and touch her anywhere he likes?
A: Lifebuoy.

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What's the diff between hook in circket and hook of bra.
One sends ball out of boundary and other keeps balls within the boundary

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Mother: Do u know the meaning of Mangalsutra?
Daughter: Yes, it is the license to enjoy Kamasutra.

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Bio teacher: Girls, the size of a penis should be 6 inches for successful penetration.
Girl: Mam, how about 9 inches?
Teacher: I was talking of necessity not luxury.

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Q: What is the definition of "burning love"?
A: It's when at night you reach out for the Vaseline gel and pick up Vicks Vaporub by mistake

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Q: Why women wear bra & panty with flowers printed on them?
A: To pay tribute to men who got burrid at these two places.
---------------------------------------------------------

Robotic Secretary


Santa goes to meet his notorious techno-geek friend in his office.

"Hey, Santa, how are you?"
"I`m good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!", says Santa
"Well, I`m glad you like her. Believe it or not, she`s a robot!"

"No way, how could that be?", says Santa

"Way! She`s the latest model from Japan. Let me tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that`s not all, she can have sex, too!"
"You`re kidding, right?"
"No, she`s something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her."
So, Santa takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while.

Suddenly, Santa`s friend hears Santa screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! eeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"

Santa`s friend says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"
------------------

In some remote village of India, one masterji is teaching the Mahabharat

Katha to class 6 students. He is at the 'krishnajanma' part of it.

Masterji: "Kansa heard the akashwani that his sister's 8th child is Going to kill him. He was furious. He ordered to put vasudev n devki Behind the bars.

First son is born, and kansa kills him by poisoning...

Second one is born n kansa throws him off the mountain peak Third one is born..."

Now Ramu, who is smartest of the lot, puts up his hand. Masterji, I Have a doubt ( sounding nervous n confused)

" Ramu bete, whole India does not have doubt in mahabharata then how Come u have one ?"

Ramu : Masterji, if Kansa knew that Devaki's 8th child was going to Kill him,

WHY THE HELL DID HE PUT VASUDEV AND DEVAKI IN THE SAME CELL ?

Masterji fainted.........................no answer.....

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Friday, June 09, 2006

MR Bean jokes

Mr Bean Jokes

Doctor : I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr.Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor : Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr.Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor : Then why are you so happy?
Mr.Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!
****
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!
****
Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!
****
Friend: What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Mr. Bean: four asterisks!
****
Friend: how many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16
Friend: Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4 worse.
****
Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture.
Friend: What tape did you took anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.
****
Mr. Bean: (crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend.
After 2 minutes Mr. Bean cries even louder.
Friend: what now?
Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!
****
Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because of a power failure.
Mr. Bean: Thats alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.
****
Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful... is it one c or two c?
Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure
****

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Thursday, June 08, 2006

Joke to laugh (Terrorist Attack

A man sees a woman getting chased by a dog. When the dog is about to bite the woman, the man intervenes and kicks the dog.

A reporter was seeing all this. He said "That was great. I'll definitely publish this in newspaper.

Tomorrow the headline will be 'LOCAL HERO SAVES LADY FROM A DOG'."

The man replied "Thank you, but I'm not from here. I am from US".

Reporter " OK. Then the headline will be US CITIZEN SAVES WOMAN FROM A DOG".

Man: Actually, I live in US but I'm not a US citizen. I'm a Pakistani national".
Next day, the headline in the paper read ... TERRORIST ATTACKS A LOCAL DOG.

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Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Sardar Jokes

A Sardarji went to US and had a meeting with Bill Clinton. Bill: I want to show you the US
advancement. Come with me. He takes him to a forest.
Bill: Dig the ground. Sardarji did it.
Bill: more...more...more... Sardarji went up to 100 feet.
Bill: So now, try to search something.
Sardarji: I got a wire.
Bill : you know, it shows that even 100 years ago we used to have telephones.
Sardarji became frustrated. He invited Bill to India. Next year Bill was in India Sardarji : I want to show you our advancement. The same...he takes Bill to a forest.
Sardarji : Dig it. Bill does.
Sardarji : more...more...more... Bill goes up to almost 400 feet..
Sardarji : try to find something. Bill tries.
Sardarji : Did you get anything? Bill : No, there is nothing here.
Sardarji : you know, it shows that even 400 years ago we used to have WIRELESS!!

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Monday, June 05, 2006

Height of

Height off

1. What is height of Fashion?
Dhoti with a zip

2. What is height of Secrecy?
Offering blank visiting cards .

3. What is height of Activelaziness?
Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.

4. What is height of Laziness?
Adopting a child.

5. What is height of Craziness?
Getting a blank paper Xeroxed.

6. What is height of Forgetfulness?
Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.

7. What is height of Stupidity?
A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.

8. What is height of Honesty?
A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.

9. What is height of Suicide?
A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.

10. What is height of De-hydration?
A cow giving milk powder.

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Saturday, June 03, 2006

I Want to Buy That

I Want to Buy That

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

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Thursday, June 01, 2006

Sardar Jokes


Sardar comes back to his car and finds a note saying "Parking Fine"??He writes a note and sticks it to the pole: "Thanks for the compliments."

How do you recognize a Sardar in school? He's the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.

Once a Sardar was walking and had a glove on one hand and not on the other so the man asked him the reason. He replied that the weather forecast had announced that on one hand it might be cold and on the other hand it might well be hot.
Sardarji bought a brand new Maruti and decided to drive down from Amritsar , where he lived, to Jalandhar to meet his friend. He reached there in a few hours. After spending a few days there, he decided to return and called up his mother to expect him in the evening. But he didn't reach in the evening and not the next day either. When he finally reached home on the third day, his distraught mother ran and asked him " Arre Puttar, ki hoya?"

The Sardarji got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "Oy, ye Marutti wale pagal hain, agge jaane waaste chaar gear banaate hain, aur pichche jaane waaste sirf ik?"

  • Teacher: Can you tell me something about Raja Ram Mohan Roy? Sardarji: They were 4 best friends!
  • Sardar to Shopkeeper: "Mujhe India ka flag dikhao". Shopkeeper ne flag dikhaya. Sardar: "Isme aur colour dikhao."
  • How can a Sardar kill a lion? Sardarji thinks hard concludes: "I'll drink poison and let lion eat me." O' bolo ta ra ra.
  • Sardar with a new mobile handset called everyone from his phone book and said "My Mobile No. has changed??Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is Nokia 6610"
  • Sardar falls in love with a nurse. He writes a love letter to her, "I LOVE U SISTER."
  • Teacher: "What is common between: Krishna , Ram, Gandhi and Jesus? Sardar: All were born on Government Holidays.
  • Santa : "That Cow is a Lovely Colour". Farmer : "Yes, it's a Jersey ". Santa: "Oh, I thought that was its Skin!"

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