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Saturday, May 27, 2006

Laughing jokes for the day - Thirsty Taliban

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.

The Arab asked, "I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"

The Jew replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? They are only $150. Here's one that goes very nicely with your robes."

The Arab shouted, "I don't want an overpriced tie, you idiot, I need water!"

The Jew replied "OK then, don't buy my ties. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about four miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way; they have all the water you need."

The Arab begrudgingly thanked him, then staggered away towards the hill and eventually disappeared. Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting behind his card table.

The Jew said, "...I told you, about four miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"

The Arab rasped, "I found it all right. Your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie.

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Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Sleeping pills

An exhausted looking man dragged himself in to the Doctor's office.

"Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the man answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the man returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be, said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest sleeping pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the man wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!!!"

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Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Reservation quota

Manmohan Singh to Bush - We are sending Indians to the moon next year.
Bush - Wow! How Many?
Manmohan Singh - 100
25 - OBC
25 - SC
20 - ST
5 - Handicapped
5 - Sports Persons
5 - Terrorist Affected
5 - Kashmiri Migrants
9 - Politicians
and if possible
1 - Astronaut

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Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Laughing Jokes to make u laugh - Stupid

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

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Monday, May 15, 2006

Laughing Jokes to laugh - Burdens and sorrows

A Husband comes from church,
He greeted his wife and lifted her up, He carried her around the house
The wife was so surpraised and she asked
"Did the Pastor preach about being romanitc"?

The husband said, "No, He said we must carry our burdens and sorrows"

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Saturday, May 13, 2006

Microsoft Helpdesk

Microsoft Helpdesk

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications
equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a
handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said

"YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer
to SEATTLE airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the
co-pilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a
technically correct but completely useless answer."

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Friday, May 12, 2006

The Philosophy of Stock Market

The Philosophy of Stock Market

Once upon a time, in a village a man appeared who announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs. 10. The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys went out in the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at 10 and as supply started to diminish and villagers started to stop their effort he announced that now he would buy at 20 rupees. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching moneys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.

The offer rate increased to 25 and the supply of monkeys became so that it was an effort to even see a monkey let alone catch it.

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at 50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business his assistant would now buy on behalf of the man.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at 35 and when the man comes back, you can sell it to him for 50.

The villager squeezed up with all their saving to buy the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!


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Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Joke for the day- Corparate Lessons

Corparate Lesson

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door,
there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 just to drop that towel that you have on”. After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. Bob has a close look at her for a few seconds, hands over $800 and quietly leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower “Who was that?”

“It was Bob the next door neighbour,” she replies.

“Great,” the husband says, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Share critical credit information with your stakeholders to prevent avoidable exposure!

CORPORATE LESSON # 2

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road; he stopped and offered her a lift which she gladly accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal
a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car,
he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, “Father, remember psalm 129?”

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely.

He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember psalm 129?”

Once again the priest apologized. “Sorry sister, but the mind is weak.”

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said,” Go forth and seek; further up, you will find glory.”

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Always be well informed in your job; or, you might miss great Opportunities!

CORPORATE LESSON # 3

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 PM when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. “Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?”

“Certainly, Sir” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.” I just need one copy.”

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.

CORPORATE LESSON # 4

There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appears. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said, “Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true.”

The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted WINE”. The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.

Next is the Russian’s turn, he did the same and shouted, “VODKA” and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.

The German was next and he jumped and shouted, “BEER”. He was so contented with his beer pool.

The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, “SH**!!!!!!!………”

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Mind your language, you never Know what it will land you in.

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Sunday, May 07, 2006

Little girl and mom

Little girl and mom

A little girl and her mother were shopping. The girl asks her mother “How old are you?” Mommy says “Honey, women don’t talk about their age, you’ll learn later on in life.”

The girl then asks, “Mommy, how much do you weigh?” Mommy says, That’s another thing women don’t talk about, you’ll find out when you are grown up.”

The girl still wanting to know about her mother asks, “Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?” Mommy says, “Honey, that is a subject that hurt me very much, and I don’t want to talk about it now.”

The little girl is frustrated. She tells her girlfriend about her and her mother’s conversation. The girlfriend says, “All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother’s drivers license. It’s just like a report card, it tells you everything.”

The little girl and her mother are shopping again. The girl says, “Mommy, I know how old you are. You are 32 years old.” Her mommy is very shocked! She asks “Sweetheart how did you do
that?”

The girl shrugs and says, “I just know, and I know how much you weigh. You weigh 120 pounds.” The mother is flabbergasted. She asks, “Where did you learn that?”

The little girl says, “I just know, that’s all, and I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an ‘F’ in sex!”

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Friday, May 05, 2006

Sales man - Laugh loudly

The Manager says: "Do you have any sales experience?"

The Indian says: "Sir, I was a salesman back home in India."

Well, the boss liked the Indian choppie so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"

Indian boy says: "Sir, Just one sale."

The boss says: "Just ONE? No! No! No! You see here our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day." If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better than just one sale. By the way, how much was the sale for?"

Indian boy says: " $101 237. 64"

Boss says: "$101 237. 64? What did you sell?"

Indian boy says: "Sir, First I sell him small fishhook.
Then I sell him medium fishhook.
Then I sell him large fishhook.
Then I sold him new fishing rod and some fishing gear.

Then I ask him where he's going fishing and he said down on the coast, so I told him he'll be needing a boat, so we went down to the boating department and I sell him twin engine Chris Craft.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to our automotive department and sell him that 4X4 Blazer.

I then ask him where he'll be staying, and since he had no accommodation, I took him to camping department and sell him one of those new igloo 6 sleeper camper tents.

Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about $100 worth of groceries and two cases of beer.

The boss said: "You're not serious? A guy came in here to buy a fishhook and you sold him a boat, a 4X4 truck and a tent?"

Indian boy says: "No Sir, actually he came in to buy Anacin for his headache, and I said: Well, fishing is the best way to relax your mind."...

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