free jokes for yout to laugh

Indian Income tax department

2006-11-29T09:16:00.000+05:30

The owner of a local bar noticed that his sales were going down and decided to try holding a contest to get more people to come in. Since his hobby was body-building; he decided it should be a contest of strength. That way he reasoned; he'd never lose and would still get all the extra customers. So the next night, he stood up in the bar and issued his challenge. He set a lemon up on the bar and shouted out "I'm willing to pay $500 plus whatever's in the pot to anybody who can squeeze more juice out of this lemon than I can. It costs $2 to play. Any takers?"

A bunch of guys rushed over and tossed in their $2. Then the bar owner picked up the lemon, which was completely dwarfed by his massive hand and crushed it. Lemon juice ran like a river out of his hand. The competitors looked discouraged but all of them tried to get more juice out of it. Alas, their efforts were in vain.

This continued night after night and drew more & more people to the bar. Bigger and stronger guys came in but none of them were able to get so much as a drop of juice from the lemon after the bar owner was done with it.

Then one night a very small, frail-looking man came into the bar. He watched the proceedings and after everyone else in the bar had tried to squeeze more juice from the lemon; he walked up to the bar owner. He said "Here's my $2; I'd like to try squeezing the lemon."

The bar owner looked down at the man and laughed at him. "You think you can beat me, little man? HA!"

The small man just ignored them, took the lemon from bar owner and squeezed it. The flood of juice that came out of the lemon while the small man was squeezing it made the juice the bar owner had extracted look like the tiniest of drops.

Everybody in the bar was stunned into silence. The bar owner looked at the small man with awe and asked how he'd done that?

The man looked up with a smile on his face and said, "I work for the Indian Income Tax Department."

Santa Banta Jokes

2006-11-23T09:22:00.000+05:30

Banta was busy removing wheel from his auto
A man asks banta y r u removing wheel from ur auto
Banta:cant u read the parking board..only for 2 wheelers
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Santa joined in a new job..1st day he worked till late evening on the computer.
boss was happy and asked what u did till evening
Santa: keyboard alphabets were not in order..so i made it order..
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santa : whats the guarantee 4 this mirror
shopkeeper:throw down frm 100 feet ,the mirror willnot break till 99 feet
santa : WOW!!thats greate pack 10!!
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Banta is in mysoor palace
tourist guide: sir plz dont sit thr..Its tippu sultans chair
Banta:dont worry yaar i wil get up when he comes
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Banta wated to make a std call to punjab, he wanted to save money..what he did?
he went to pujab and made a local call

Unmarried Pregnent Girl

2006-11-22T15:17:00.000+05:30

A young unmarried girl discovers that she is pregnant. Scared,She confides this ' news' to her mother.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did This to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature And distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the Girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family Situation, but I'll take responsibility. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, If there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand Firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You can try again !"

Big John doesn't pay

2006-10-13T13:22:00.000+05:30

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops-a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on.

Six feet eight,built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground.

He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.

Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.

The next day the same thing happened-Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down.

And the next day, and the one after that,and so forth.

This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.

Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.

So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger,and screamed, "And why not?"

With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass."

Moral of the story:

Be sure there is a problem in the first place before working hard to solve it.

Chugga, Chugga, Chugga, Chugga, Choo! Choo!

2006-09-26T14:23:00.000+05:30

This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears a whistle:

"Whooee da Whoee!"

He sees something coming towards him, but doesn't know what it is.

Predictably, he's hit -- but, only a glancing blow -- and is thrown to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in thehospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party, one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.

His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes to the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man:

"Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"

The desert man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."

Great Sardar

2006-09-19T09:16:00.000+05:30

Great Sardar

A donkey kicked sardar & ran away sardar ran to catch the donkey. He saw a zebra & started beating it & said 'SALA Tracksuit pahan ke dhoka de raha hai'.

SLAM BOOK filled by Santa.

1.Strength:My wife,Jeeto.

2.Weakness:Banta's wife,Preeto.

3.Oppurtunity:When Banta is on tour.

4.Threat:When I am on tour

sardar: Darling, years ago u had a figure like Coke bottle.
Jeeto: Yes darling I still do, only differnece is earlier it was 300ml now it's 1.5 ltr.

Teacher: is line ki english banao, usne apna kaam kiya or karta hi gya.
Santa: He done his work and done dana dan done dana dan....

Santa went to mysore palace.
Tourist guide - santaji plz dont sit there, its Tipu sultan's chair
Santa - oye dont worry yaar i'll get up wen he comes.!!..

Santa:banta yeh AUTOMATICALLY kya hota hai?
Banta: oye tenu eh v nhi pata Santa. dear jab auto main koi ganji ladki ja rahi ho to usse kehte hain AUTO-ME-TAKLI.

Why did Santa throw the butter out of the window?
A: He wanted to see butterfly!

Jokes What Is Politics

2006-09-13T15:10:00.000+05:30

Jokes: What Is Politics?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poor."

Blood Donation for Arab

2006-09-11T22:04:00.000+05:30

An (Bahraini) Arab was admitted in the Lilavati Hospital at Mumbai for a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood in case need arises.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally.So the call went out to a number of countries. Finally a Gujarati waslocated who had a similar type of blood.

The Gujarati willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati as appreciation for giving his blood, a new Hummer, diamonds, lapiz lazuri jewellery,and a million US dollars.

Once again the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Gujarati who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati a thank you card and a jar of Almond halwa sweets. The Gujarati was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not reciprocate the Gujarati’s kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his appreciation in not so generous manner.

The Arab replied “Bapu…..now I have Gujju blood in my veins!”

Pierre the fighter pilot

2006-07-09T09:29:00.000+05:30

Pierre the fighter pilot

It’s 1944. Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It’s a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: “Pierre kiss me!” Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie’s lips. “What are you doing, Pierre?” says the startled Marie. “I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!” She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, “Pierre, kiss me lower.”

Our hero grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. “Pierre! What are you doing?” asks the bewildered Marie. “I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!” They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, “Pierre, kiss me lower!”

Our hero grabs a bottle of Cognac, and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the water, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, “You stupid idiot, what in the hell do you think you’re doing?” Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, “I am Pierre the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!!!!

If the Titanic was made in India

2006-06-22T23:42:00.000+05:30

If the Titanic was made in India

1) There would be 10 times as many people on the ship

2) There would be a song with Kate Winslet in a white saree and of course singing in the rain

3) The movie would be called "Pyar Kiya To Marna Kya"

4) Hero and Heroine would float in cold water for days and still survive, but the villian would die in the first dip

5) The iceberg would be sent by the heroine's father to teach the hero a lesson

6) None of the women would float due to heavy designer sarees.

And last but not least

7) Half of the rescue boats would be reserve for SC/ST/OBC

Management lesson

2006-06-18T00:42:00.000+05:30

Management lesson

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office…..but she belonged to someone else… One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said: I’ll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you….but the girl said NO. Johnny said I’ll be fast, I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I’ll be finished by the time you pick it up. She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend…..so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won’t even be able to get his pants down.

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened…… She said “The bastard used coins!!”

Management lesson:
‘Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!’

All are same

2006-06-11T20:26:00.000+05:30

All are same
Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, “You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here.”

The astonished Chinese man replied, “It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese”. “Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you’re all the same,” replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, “You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship.”

Shocked, Spielberg replies, “It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.”

The Chinese replies, “Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you’re all the same.”
———-
This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition organized in Britain and this joke was sent by an Indian!

Adult jokes

2006-06-10T03:50:00.000+05:30

Dentist didnt get erection on wedding night so he used finger. Wife: What's this?
Nothing honey, just a temporary filling.

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What's the diff between a bomb n a condom?
In a bomb blast population decreases & if a condom blasts population
increases.

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Which boy has the permission to get into a girls' bathroom and touch her anywhere he likes?
A: Lifebuoy.

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What's the diff between hook in circket and hook of bra.
One sends ball out of boundary and other keeps balls within the boundary

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Mother: Do u know the meaning of Mangalsutra?
Daughter: Yes, it is the license to enjoy Kamasutra.

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Bio teacher: Girls, the size of a penis should be 6 inches for successful penetration.
Girl: Mam, how about 9 inches?
Teacher: I was talking of necessity not luxury.

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Q: What is the definition of "burning love"?
A: It's when at night you reach out for the Vaseline gel and pick up Vicks Vaporub by mistake

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Q: Why women wear bra & panty with flowers printed on them?
A: To pay tribute to men who got burrid at these two places.
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Robotic Secretary

Santa goes to meet his notorious techno-geek friend in his office.

"Hey, Santa, how are you?"
"I`m good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!", says Santa
"Well, I`m glad you like her. Believe it or not, she`s a robot!"

"No way, how could that be?", says Santa

"Way! She`s the latest model from Japan. Let me tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that`s not all, she can have sex, too!"
"You`re kidding, right?"
"No, she`s something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her."
So, Santa takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while.

Suddenly, Santa`s friend hears Santa screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! eeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"

Santa`s friend says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"
------------------

In some remote village of India, one masterji is teaching the Mahabharat

Katha to class 6 students. He is at the 'krishnajanma' part of it.

Masterji: "Kansa heard the akashwani that his sister's 8th child is Going to kill him. He was furious. He ordered to put vasudev n devki Behind the bars.

First son is born, and kansa kills him by poisoning...

Second one is born n kansa throws him off the mountain peak Third one is born..."

Now Ramu, who is smartest of the lot, puts up his hand. Masterji, I Have a doubt ( sounding nervous n confused)

" Ramu bete, whole India does not have doubt in mahabharata then how Come u have one ?"

Ramu : Masterji, if Kansa knew that Devaki's 8th child was going to Kill him,

WHY THE HELL DID HE PUT VASUDEV AND DEVAKI IN THE SAME CELL ?

Masterji fainted.........................no answer.....

MR Bean jokes

2006-06-09T07:26:00.000+05:30

Mr Bean Jokes

Doctor : I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr.Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor : Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr.Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor : Then why are you so happy?
Mr.Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!
****
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!
****
Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!
****
Friend: What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Mr. Bean: four asterisks!
****
Friend: how many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16
Friend: Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4 worse.
****
Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture.
Friend: What tape did you took anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.
****
Mr. Bean: (crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend.
After 2 minutes Mr. Bean cries even louder.
Friend: what now?
Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!
****
Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because of a power failure.
Mr. Bean: Thats alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.
****
Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful... is it one c or two c?
Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure
****

Joke to laugh (Terrorist Attack

2006-06-08T07:37:00.000+05:30

A man sees a woman getting chased by a dog. When the dog is about to bite the woman, the man intervenes and kicks the dog.

A reporter was seeing all this. He said "That was great. I'll definitely publish this in newspaper.

Tomorrow the headline will be 'LOCAL HERO SAVES LADY FROM A DOG'."

The man replied "Thank you, but I'm not from here. I am from US".

Reporter " OK. Then the headline will be US CITIZEN SAVES WOMAN FROM A DOG".

Man: Actually, I live in US but I'm not a US citizen. I'm a Pakistani national".
Next day, the headline in the paper read ... TERRORIST ATTACKS A LOCAL DOG.

Sardar Jokes

2006-06-06T08:01:00.000+05:30

A Sardarji went to US and had a meeting with Bill Clinton. Bill: I want to show you the US
advancement. Come with me. He takes him to a forest.
Bill: Dig the ground. Sardarji did it.
Bill: more...more...more... Sardarji went up to 100 feet.
Bill: So now, try to search something.
Sardarji: I got a wire.
Bill : you know, it shows that even 100 years ago we used to have telephones.
Sardarji became frustrated. He invited Bill to India. Next year Bill was in India Sardarji : I want to show you our advancement. The same...he takes Bill to a forest.
Sardarji : Dig it. Bill does.
Sardarji : more...more...more... Bill goes up to almost 400 feet..
Sardarji : try to find something. Bill tries.
Sardarji : Did you get anything? Bill : No, there is nothing here.
Sardarji : you know, it shows that even 400 years ago we used to have WIRELESS!!

Height of

2006-06-05T14:24:00.000+05:30

Height off

1. What is height of Fashion?
Dhoti with a zip

2. What is height of Secrecy?
Offering blank visiting cards .

3. What is height of Activelaziness?
Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.

4. What is height of Laziness?
Adopting a child.

5. What is height of Craziness?
Getting a blank paper Xeroxed.

6. What is height of Forgetfulness?
Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.

7. What is height of Stupidity?
A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.

8. What is height of Honesty?
A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.

9. What is height of Suicide?
A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.

10. What is height of De-hydration?
A cow giving milk powder.

I Want to Buy That

2006-06-03T10:24:00.000+05:30

I Want to Buy That

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

Sardar Jokes

2006-06-01T06:38:00.000+05:30

Sardar comes back to his car and finds a note saying "Parking Fine"??He writes a note and sticks it to the pole: "Thanks for the compliments."

How do you recognize a Sardar in school? He's the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.

Once a Sardar was walking and had a glove on one hand and not on the other so the man asked him the reason. He replied that the weather forecast had announced that on one hand it might be cold and on the other hand it might well be hot.
Sardarji bought a brand new Maruti and decided to drive down from Amritsar , where he lived, to Jalandhar to meet his friend. He reached there in a few hours. After spending a few days there, he decided to return and called up his mother to expect him in the evening. But he didn't reach in the evening and not the next day either. When he finally reached home on the third day, his distraught mother ran and asked him " Arre Puttar, ki hoya?"

The Sardarji got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "Oy, ye Marutti wale pagal hain, agge jaane waaste chaar gear banaate hain, aur pichche jaane waaste sirf ik?"

Teacher: Can you tell me something about Raja Ram Mohan Roy? Sardarji: They were 4 best friends!
Sardar to Shopkeeper: "Mujhe India ka flag dikhao". Shopkeeper ne flag dikhaya. Sardar: "Isme aur colour dikhao."
How can a Sardar kill a lion? Sardarji thinks hard concludes: "I'll drink poison and let lion eat me." O' bolo ta ra ra.
Sardar with a new mobile handset called everyone from his phone book and said "My Mobile No. has changed??Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is Nokia 6610"
Sardar falls in love with a nurse. He writes a love letter to her, "I LOVE U SISTER."
Teacher: "What is common between: Krishna , Ram, Gandhi and Jesus? Sardar: All were born on Government Holidays.
Santa : "That Cow is a Lovely Colour". Farmer : "Yes, it's a Jersey ". Santa: "Oh, I thought that was its Skin!"

Laughing jokes for the day - Thirsty Taliban

2006-05-27T16:50:00.000+05:30

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.

The Arab asked, "I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"

The Jew replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? They are only $150. Here's one that goes very nicely with your robes."

The Arab shouted, "I don't want an overpriced tie, you idiot, I need water!"

The Jew replied "OK then, don't buy my ties. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about four miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way; they have all the water you need."

The Arab begrudgingly thanked him, then staggered away towards the hill and eventually disappeared. Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting behind his card table.

The Jew said, "...I told you, about four miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"

The Arab rasped, "I found it all right. Your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie.

Sleeping pills

2006-05-24T17:13:00.000+05:30

An exhausted looking man dragged himself in to the Doctor's office.

"Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the man answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the man returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be, said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest sleeping pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the man wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!!!"

Reservation quota

2006-05-23T16:46:00.000+05:30

Manmohan Singh to Bush - We are sending Indians to the moon next year.
Bush - Wow! How Many?
Manmohan Singh - 100
25 - OBC
25 - SC
20 - ST
5 - Handicapped
5 - Sports Persons
5 - Terrorist Affected
5 - Kashmiri Migrants
9 - Politicians
and if possible
1 - Astronaut

Laughing Jokes to make u laugh - Stupid

2006-05-16T23:05:00.000+05:30

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Laughing Jokes to laugh - Burdens and sorrows

2006-05-15T08:51:00.000+05:30

A Husband comes from church,
He greeted his wife and lifted her up, He carried her around the house
The wife was so surpraised and she asked
"Did the Pastor preach about being romanitc"?

The husband said, "No, He said we must carry our burdens and sorrows"

Microsoft Helpdesk

2006-05-13T10:23:00.000+05:30

Microsoft Helpdesk

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications
equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a
handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said

"YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer
to SEATTLE airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the
co-pilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a
technically correct but completely useless answer."

The Philosophy of Stock Market

2006-05-12T15:49:00.000+05:30

The Philosophy of Stock Market

Once upon a time, in a village a man appeared who announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs. 10. The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys went out in the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at 10 and as supply started to diminish and villagers started to stop their effort he announced that now he would buy at 20 rupees. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching moneys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.

The offer rate increased to 25 and the supply of monkeys became so that it was an effort to even see a monkey let alone catch it.

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at 50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business his assistant would now buy on behalf of the man.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at 35 and when the man comes back, you can sell it to him for 50.

The villager squeezed up with all their saving to buy the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

Joke for the day- Corparate Lessons

2006-05-10T22:16:00.000+05:30

Corparate Lesson

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door,
there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 just to drop that towel that you have on”. After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. Bob has a close look at her for a few seconds, hands over $800 and quietly leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower “Who was that?”

“It was Bob the next door neighbour,” she replies.

“Great,” the husband says, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Share critical credit information with your stakeholders to prevent avoidable exposure!

CORPORATE LESSON # 2

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road; he stopped and offered her a lift which she gladly accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal
a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car,
he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, “Father, remember psalm 129?”

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely.

He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember psalm 129?”

Once again the priest apologized. “Sorry sister, but the mind is weak.”

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said,” Go forth and seek; further up, you will find glory.”

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Always be well informed in your job; or, you might miss great Opportunities!

CORPORATE LESSON # 3

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 PM when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. “Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?”

“Certainly, Sir” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.” I just need one copy.”

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.

CORPORATE LESSON # 4

There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appears. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said, “Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true.”

The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted WINE”. The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.

Next is the Russian’s turn, he did the same and shouted, “VODKA” and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.

The German was next and he jumped and shouted, “BEER”. He was so contented with his beer pool.

The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, “SH**!!!!!!!………”

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Mind your language, you never Know what it will land you in.

Little girl and mom

2006-05-07T20:22:00.000+05:30

Little girl and mom

A little girl and her mother were shopping. The girl asks her mother “How old are you?” Mommy says “Honey, women don’t talk about their age, you’ll learn later on in life.”

The girl then asks, “Mommy, how much do you weigh?” Mommy says, That’s another thing women don’t talk about, you’ll find out when you are grown up.”

The girl still wanting to know about her mother asks, “Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?” Mommy says, “Honey, that is a subject that hurt me very much, and I don’t want to talk about it now.”

The little girl is frustrated. She tells her girlfriend about her and her mother’s conversation. The girlfriend says, “All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother’s drivers license. It’s just like a report card, it tells you everything.”

The little girl and her mother are shopping again. The girl says, “Mommy, I know how old you are. You are 32 years old.” Her mommy is very shocked! She asks “Sweetheart how did you do
that?”

The girl shrugs and says, “I just know, and I know how much you weigh. You weigh 120 pounds.” The mother is flabbergasted. She asks, “Where did you learn that?”

The little girl says, “I just know, that’s all, and I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an ‘F’ in sex!”

Sales man - Laugh loudly

2006-05-05T11:23:00.000+05:30

The Manager says: "Do you have any sales experience?"

The Indian says: "Sir, I was a salesman back home in India."

Well, the boss liked the Indian choppie so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"

Indian boy says: "Sir, Just one sale."

The boss says: "Just ONE? No! No! No! You see here our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day." If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better than just one sale. By the way, how much was the sale for?"

Indian boy says: " $101 237. 64"

Boss says: "$101 237. 64? What did you sell?"

Indian boy says: "Sir, First I sell him small fishhook.
Then I sell him medium fishhook.
Then I sell him large fishhook.
Then I sold him new fishing rod and some fishing gear.

Then I ask him where he's going fishing and he said down on the coast, so I told him he'll be needing a boat, so we went down to the boating department and I sell him twin engine Chris Craft.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to our automotive department and sell him that 4X4 Blazer.

I then ask him where he'll be staying, and since he had no accommodation, I took him to camping department and sell him one of those new igloo 6 sleeper camper tents.

Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about $100 worth of groceries and two cases of beer.

The boss said: "You're not serious? A guy came in here to buy a fishhook and you sold him a boat, a 4X4 truck and a tent?"

Indian boy says: "No Sir, actually he came in to buy Anacin for his headache, and I said: Well, fishing is the best way to relax your mind."...

LONG BLONDE JOKES

2006-04-30T23:19:00.000+05:30

LONG BLONDE JOKES

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

IT Grek

2006-04-27T07:09:00.000+05:30

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt.

The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie, gets out and asks the Shepherd: "If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?"

The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies: "Okay."
The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Webster, scans the
Ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150 page report on his high-tech mini-printer.

He turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here."

The shepherd cheers,"that's correct, you can have your sheep."

The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche.

The shepherd looks at him and asks:

"If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?"

The young man answers, "Yes, why not".

The shepherd says, "You are an IT consultant ".

How did you know?" asks the young man.

"Very simple," answers the shepherd. "First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew, and third, you don't understand anything about my business...Now can I have my DOG back?"

Jokes for today - Brazilian

2006-04-25T19:38:00.000+05:30

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying, "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"Oh no," the President exclaims, "That's terrible. That's horrible."

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands, visibly shaken.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

Blonde jokes for a change

2006-04-23T22:17:00.000+05:30

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it." I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.

http://www.zelo.com/blonde/great_outdoors.asp

Funny QUotes

2006-04-22T00:43:00.000+05:30

# Sign on a railway station at Patna:

Aana free, jaana free,
pakde gaye to khana free.

# Seen on a famous beauty parlor in Bombay:

Don't whistle at the girl going out from here.
She may be your grandmother!

# Seen on a bulletin board:

Success is relative
More the success, more the relatives.

# Sign at a barber's saloon in Juhu, Bombay:

we need your heads to run our business.

# A traffic slogan:

Don't let your kids drive if they are not old enough - or else they never will be.....

#THE BEST ONE:

Its God's responsibility to forgive the terrorist organizations
It's our responsibility to arrange the meeting between them and god."
- Indian Armed Forces

Open letter to Mr. Bill Gates

2006-04-20T07:10:00.000+05:30

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

This letter is from Banta Singh from Punjab. We have bought a computer for our home and we found problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. After connecting to internet we planned to open e-mail account and whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password column, only ****** appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears, but we face this problem only in password field. We checked with hardware vendor Santa Singh and he said that there is no problem in keyboard.

Because of this we open the e-mail account with password *****. I request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what the password is.

2. We are unable to enter anything after we click the 'shut down ' button.

3. There is a button 'start' but there is no "stop" button. We request you to check this.

4. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friend clicked 'run ' has ran upto Amritsar! So, we request you to change that to "sit", so that we can click that by sitting.

5. One doubt is that any 're-scooter' available in system? As I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

6. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot for tracing the key with this ' find', but unable to trace. Is it a bug??

7. Every night I am not sleeping as I have to protect my 'mouse' from CAT, So I suggest u to provide one DOG to kill that cat.

8. Please confirm when u are going to give me money for winning 'HEARTS' (playing cards in games) and when are u coming to my home to collect ur money.

9. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when u will provide that?

Best regards,
Banta Singh

War with Confidence

2006-04-17T22:36:00.000+05:30

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Hussein!" a heavily accented voice said, "This is Gurmukh from Phagwara, District Kapurthala, Punjab. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring the war on you!"

"Well, Gurmukh," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Right now," said Gurmukh, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sukhdev, my next door neighbour Bhagat, and the entire kabaddi team from the gurudwara. That makes eight."

Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Gurmukh that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Arrey O! Main kya.. " said Gurmukh. "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the next day, Gurmukh called again.

"Mr. Hussein, it is Gurmukh, I'm calling from Phagwara STD, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Gurmukh?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have two combines, a donkey and Amrik's tractor." Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."

"Oh teri ...." said Gurmukh. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Gurmukh rang again the next day.

"Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne...... We've modified Amrik's tractor by adding a couple of shotguns, sticking on some wings and the pind's generator. Four school pass boys from Malpur have joined us as well!"

Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Tera pala hove...." said Gurmuk, "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, Gurmukh called again the next day.

"Kiddan, Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war." "I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart"

"Well," said Gurmukh, "we've all had a long chat over a couple of lassi's, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners of wars!"

mordern bride

2006-04-12T19:42:00.000+05:30

A newly wed girl was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner.

As expected, she gave a little speech: "My dear family members, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family",

She said: "Firstly, with my presence I would not want to create any inconveniences - my being here does not mean that I would want to change your way of life, your routine."

"What do you mean ?" asked the patriarch of the family.

What I mean dad is: Those who used to wash dishes must carry on washing them.

Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it.

Those who cooked shouldn't stop on my account.

Those who used to clean should clean.

As for me, I am here just to entertain your son !

Where do you born

2006-04-10T00:56:00.000+05:30

Jugnu Singh: I was born in the Punjab.
Harpal Singh: Oh really, which part?
Jugnu Singh: All of me, silly.

Change of mobile number

2006-04-08T19:47:00.000+05:30

Sardar bought a new mobile.

He called everyone from his Phone Book & said

"My Mobile No. has changed Earlier it was Nokia 3310 Now it is 6610"

Fluctuations

2006-04-04T21:15:00.000+05:30

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Fluctuations

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.

The teller said, “Fluctuations.”

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, “Fluc you Amelicans, too!”

CyberSex

2006-04-03T19:53:00.000+05:30

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CyberSex

The defendant and his lawyer are in the courtroom, the man being charged with theft. The lawyer tells the crusty old judge, "My lord, my client has produced receipts for, firstly, the high speed modem."

"High-speed modem?" questions the judge.

"Yes" replies the lawyer, "It allows computers to communicate over vast distances at high rates of speed. It allows email and something called cybersex in AOL chatrooms, your honor."

"Cybersex?" says the judge, "You mean sex through a modem? You mean sex on a monitor? Good lord, the morals of this society! Sex should be a natural event of nature!"

"Secondly, my lord," continues the lawyer, "My client can produce a receipt for the 12-speed cd-rom."

"12-speed cd-rom?" queries the judge.

"Yes my lord, it enables millions of bits of information to be read off a small disk."

"And I suppose most of this information is cybersex related... Modern technology and modern society, baffling, just baffling," comments the judge.

"I'm appalled at what technology is doing to society these days."

"Thirdly my lord, my client can produce a receipt for the super deluxe inflatable milk maid, whatever that is."

"That's the one with the silicone breasts and real hair," replies the judge.

Marriage Gift

2006-04-02T12:49:00.000+05:30

Bill: It's my wife's birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she
wanted as a present.

Doug: So what did she ask for?

Bill: She said, "Oh, I don't know, just give me something with diamonds."
And so that's why I'm giving her a pack of playing cards.

Sardarji and a Bengali

2006-03-25T23:48:00.000+05:30

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An awesome joke sent in by Shahnawaz which is just to be taken as a joke and not seriously.

A Sardarji and a Bengali, both suffering from serious diseases, share the same room in a hospital.
They are taken violently ill and they cannot even utter a word.

After a few days of living together, the Bengali gets really bored and wants to start off a conversation with his fellow patient.

He realises that he has not enough energy left to say a sentence; instead he just attempts to say a word.

After much effort he turns to the Sardarji, points his finger towards himself and says “Bengali”.

Sardarji doesn’t want to let the poor Bengali down who has struggled so hard to start a conversation.

Sardarji musters all his energy and says “Punjabi” gesturing the same way as Bengali did.

Bengali is happy now and wants to continue the conversation. After much more effort this time he says, again pointing his finger towards himself “Sharath Bose.”

Sardarji after some effort says “Devindar Singh”.

Bengali is even happier that they now know each other’s names.

After some time, Bengali turns towards Sardarji and mustering all his energy says “Cancer” - - again doing the same gesture as before.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Sardarji smiles and with some effort says “Scorpio.”

Dr. Smith’s Remedy

2006-03-18T12:26:00.001+05:30

This is a adult joke please fogive me

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A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, “Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, “Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.”

She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realised she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn’t recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, “Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.”

A guy sitting nearby looked at her, “By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith’s?” “Why, yes I am… How did you know?” He leaned closer, winked and whispered, “Hickory dickory dock…”

Source from an jokes website. Forgotten name
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ABC 4 APPLE

2006-03-16T20:34:00.000+05:30

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*** ABC 4 APPLE ***

A for apple.
B for bada apple.
C for chhota apple.
D for dusra apple.
E for ek aur apple.
F for fokat ka apple.
G for gol apple.
H for hazar apple
I for itney saarey apple?
J for jaao nahi khaana hai apple
K for kaise nahi khaayengey apple
L for lena padhega tumko apple
M for mujhe nahi chahiye itne apple
N for naa nahi kehtey kyunkey yeh hai apple
O for Oh to tumne khaa daale yeh saare apple
P for peth bhar khaao apple
Q for qismat mein nahi hoti hai sabke, yeh apple
R for roz agar khaao tum apple
S for sehetmand rahoge khaaogey agar tum apple
T for tumko nahi milengey itney achey apple
U for udhaar kii nahi hai yeh apple
V for very tasty hai yeh apple
W for waste na karo time aur khaalo jaldi se apple
X for X'mas mei bhii khane padenge apple
Y for youn na chehra phero dekhkey apple
Z for zaraasa aur khaalo aaple...

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